No one really seems to know what OT is. In part because it covers a lot of ground and circumstances. I didn’t understand its value until I found someone amazing. For me, it is based on helping my executive and adaptive dysfunction, working towards a sustainable future.
After a month of cancelling my appointments, I borrowed money to have an appointment. OT is very pragmatic-making charts, documenting time spend on care tasks…but this time was different. Too much had built up and it was more of a counselling session, I could not stop crying.
Such a huge component of my pain is not having enough access to my mental health care. I don’t know what’s worse. Not knowing what you’re dealing with and not having reliable access or knowing what’s up and not having reliable access.
When I briefly had work insurance, I got five sessions-a year. The fuck is that. I remember paying only $40 for my psych and the feeling that washed over me imagining that that was always the price was inexplicable. Like it was possible for life to get better. Keep in mind that at this time I was working full time at a job based on my learning disability doing math, forcing myself to stay so I could pay for the thing that could help me stay employed. When I stayed past my probation I got a raise-from 17.50 to 17.92. They wouldn’t even give me 18, before tax. And really, it never even paid for my therapy. My Jiu Jitsu job did. Days after I’d received my assessment report with big, bold letters confirming my specified learning disability, a co-worker at the warehouse said “before you know it, you’ll have been here for 9 years” to me. I put my notice in the next week. I’ve tried all my life to push through my disability so absolutely the fuck not.
Speaking of ridiculous standards, I used to have all these rules for myself about how to draw. Over recent years I’ve completely dropped my perfectionism regarding it. I prefer to draw slop now, if I can draw at all. My OT says it’s my creativity is still there, “it’s just not available right now”. Which is probably a better way of putting it.
I’ve been having nightmares, my depression is out of control. As I described to my OT what details I’m dealing with (and leaving out here), he was like “I don’t see how you could feel any other way; this is overwhelming”
24 hours after the appointment, I started to draw. The support I got in yesterdays hour made a difference. I used to spend so much of my time drawing, creating and very simply have not been myself for a really long time. OT is working because it’s built to get you where you would like to be, functioning in the world. Even if it’s just your own.