On Dyscalculia: My History

Processing what could have been...

There was a rumbling in my brain last week when someone on TikTok asked how I got a Dyscalculia diagnosis, on a video that was over a year old.

Despite answering them in the app, the question still gnawed at me.

I also realized I had never written about it here. There is only so much I can process at once. I tried to just leave it be but I got increasingly agitated. Fine, I thought, you just need to get it out.

A full transcription is available below, or you can listen to my story podcast style in the link above.

Hopefully this helps someone. Even if it’s just me.

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I was diagnosed with, specified learning disability when I was 38 years old. It's been a year, and I've processed it somewhat, and I thought I would talk about it in case anyone else is going through the same experience or is questioning if something has been going on with them. So the testing for this disability was part of a larger network of assessments, a full neuropsychological examination, often when late diagnosis is discussed

It goes under the assumption that it only happened late because whatever the person was dealing with was not a parent or noticeable to others. And I just want to say right here that that could not be more inaccurate. My learning disability was obvious since I was three and a half years old. I cannot see reason as to why it was neglected by school staff from the time that I was in grade school, all the way into high school.

The solution for me throughout all those grades was just, you don't have to do math. And I believe that choice was predicated on the fact that my verbal acuity and fluency was very high, and nobody at the time had the foresight to think maybe this is going to affect her years down the line. So basically, when I entered grade school already, I was struggling very basic math at like whatever the grade three level, even in kindergarten, I recall understanding letters.

And then when we had to do numbers, it was as if internally I saw nothing. So when we're doing times tables, the easiest way for me to try to work around this issue was to try to memorize, not understand, memorize, and then place the numbers where I thought they should be in like a pattern, not placing numbers where they should be because I understood how I got there.

I really struggled with the abstract concept of like removing numbers from each other to gain something new. I didn't understand how a number could change because to me it was inert. It had no moving parts, it just represented something that was just on paper and wasn't real. I recall very distinctly loving the times tables for the number 11 because it was just a repeating pattern.

Then between grade five and six I switched schools, and in doing so I had to take a couple exams for them to assess me of where all my skills were at. So again, this thing about my language versus my numerical understanding reared its head. The gap between the two abilities was widening. So based on my age and my verbal acuity, they posited to my parents that I could actually skip grade six and go to grade seven.

It was so apparent and nothing was done about it. As for grades seven and eight, I don't remember anything about it. And grade nine is where it was severe. I was getting some supplemental help in grade nine math, but it wasn't working and I ended up failing grade nine math, which led me to attend summer school, which, as all students who attend summer school know, is a horrible experience, barely a pass.

It was just enough to make me carry on to grade ten. It was significant enough that my grade ten math teacher said, look, I'm going to help you develop a way that you are going to be able to pass my class. In hindsight, what I realized they did for me was develop an individualized education plan and letting me do the work on my own time, which is very key because in my assessment, this is remarked upon and I ended up with more than a passing grade.

I think I got like a 77% in that math class, which was unheard of. I had a sense of accomplishment after that class that I had never experienced in my life. So now we're entering grade 11, and unless I had the last teacher I did, there's no way that I was going to be able to pull this off.

The school decided to waive my math credit in substitute for something else. This choice completely divided my options of where I could go from there. When I found out that I couldn't pursue a medical illustration career because it was based on heavy science as well as math, I just was like, okay, well, that's it, I can't do it.

And there was a couple of things like that for me that represent a loss of opportunity that I could have had. Part of me was pretty delighted that I didn't have to face math ever again, but that was short sighted of myself. Well, really, it was short sighted of people, of adults in charge of me because they really weren't thinking to the future.

I sort of just drifted where people told me I should go, and I never critically looked at what my own thoughts or feelings on the matter was. So there was nothing really to note in terms of my learning disability during Universe, but it really flared again when I hit the workplace. If I worked in cafes or in retail, the whole opening closing of the cash register and having to, like, do those end of day tallies persistently, I could not do it.

Bosses would remark, you got this wrong or there's money missing. And I remember, like, there would be times where the boss would have to sit down again and try to see. I'm trying to find how you reasoned this out, and it was just so embarrassing. It's like, honestly, just take me off this. Like, I can't do it. And they're like, no, it's easy, I'll teach you.

And it's like, it's the same thing over and over again. I'm telling you, I can't do it. I would also lose count very easily. So like if I was doing a cash out, it would take me probably three times as long. Then one of my peers at an average math level to complete the cash out, because I would consistently lose track of the type of money that I was counting or I would have to go very slow.

But it really all came to a head most recently, where I was between a rock and a hard place. because having numerous, disabilities are going to affect your employment, and that has been a thing throughout my entire life. I've never had financial security. I've never had food security. I've struggled immensely with money management. And this is all intertwined with these things that never went accounted for.

So I was working at this warehouse, and it was the only job I could find. The entire job description was measurement and basic math for eight hours a day, five days a week. I had no choice because I had to try to pay rent, and I had to try to catch up on my rent payments. Since I had gotten an eviction notice a few months prior and had a new arrangement with my landlord.

Because this is the reality of what can happen when you're dealing with a bunch of stuff that you don't know how to corral and fix. So I was relieved that I finally got a job. It didn't take very long for everything to decay, which I knew it would because, like, I can't do math. Something's going on with me.

So this job was dependent on me measuring all day, every day and cutting things to size. So like I do also have this kind of dyslexic number thing where I, I know dyslexia is a very complicated issue, but in sort of the layman terms of the idea of like mixing numbers or letters back and forth, that's something that happens to me.

So, for instance, if I was cutting some plastic that was 19 by 87, I would measure 19in three times, and then something in my brain would say 78, and then I would look 78, 78, 19 by 78, and then I'd check back on the paper and be like, oh, no, wait, 19 by 87. Then I'd go back and I'd check the 19 to make sure it was 19, and then I'd go back to the 87.

And from the time it took me to get to the table back to the cutter, to change it, my brain would still say 78. And I encountered this every single day. And I had so many mistakes. And you know, when this piles on you every single day and it's just continual, you just get so mad at yourself and it's like your brain is lagging behind.

It's like having a computer that is like not processing and stepping back. I would be like, I know this number is 87. How did I mess this up three times in a row and still think 78? It just ended up building up and building up, and it became more clear I was having struggles at work, doing my literal job.

About nine months into this work, my assessment was taking place, and after I got the full results, I resigned from the job immediately. One of the things that I learned in my 30s is that two things can be true at the same time. So while I maintain gratitude for many things and many people in my life who have given me generous opportunities, there is still a part of me that is sort of now rising up as I've been processing my life story reconfigured with all this information, that I hold a lot of rage and regret regarding how my education went and how neglected my learning disability was at every stage.

So now it seems like it's tied up neatly in a little bow, and I'm not working at that math based job anymore. But now I'm in the phase of, don't mind the pun, recalculating my entire existence, seeing how this math issue does not just exist in a vacuum of doing basic math every day. It has broader tentacles to other everyday aspects in my life which need continual management, and I think one of the most devastating things in my full report was the list of accommodations that was given to me should I return to school.

Reading this list not only validated my everyday experience and the internal turmoil emotionally and pragmatically that I faced, but it made me think of an alternate reality where I was accommodated appropriately, and I did get appropriate help throughout the course of my education. And at this point in my life, it's only reasonable to start to have fantasies about what could have been.

I don't think that anyone who has gone through this type of stuff is not going to have those thoughts crossed their mind of, if only I got this help when I needed it. How different the entire experience would be. Would I have been able to follow the things that I was really interested about, because it wouldn't have been cut off from me?

Would I have been able to temper the issues that I had with my self-esteem to make them not so significant and impactful? Could this have funneled me into a career that would have been lasting and satisfying, something that I've never experienced in my life, and something that kept me on the poverty line for as long as I've been a working citizen.

Like, these are significant questions that I'll never have answers to, and I feel that I am well within my rights to question this and to, you know, kind of feel shit about it because in lots of ways, I feel like I lost huge opportunities. And that took such a circuitous route back to rebuilding my self-esteem that I'm still working on at like 40 years old.

So in conclusion, if you're trying to find out if something's going on with you, I encourage you to keep fighting for it, to keep searching, because, to quote my favorite guy ever, the truth is out there.